Thursday, March 5, 2009

The Dream....Last Night

Create sacred space for yourself. Remember, not only is the space sacred, but you are sacred in this space.

I transcend relationships. Or at least, these kinds of relationships I have. I sacrifice myself, my own feelings, my own needs to allow the larger power at hand do its thing.

K is here and I feel like I’m on the outside, not necessarily looking in, but if I listen to my ego, I will be pissed and jealous.

I realize there is another choice – detachment; transcendence. They are playing house and I am watching. Instead of anger, there is curiosity. I know nothing about N and watching him interact with another woman brings up a bunch of different feelings for me. I am at a crossroads. I am standing between the woman and the girl. The “GEURL”, as they say here in Trinidad. The woman sees that this interaction between two people holds no importance to her soul. It is young and diluted. It is not direct and it is unstable. It is full of tension; tension that overshadows the excitement. Or perhaps the tension is the excitement.

It is bathed in pain, disappointment and riddles instead of joy, authenticity and presence. As a woman, I see it all. I feel it and feel removed from it all at once. I’ve been here a thousand times before; hoping for a sliver - a sliver of some hope – feeding my obsession with his potential. I would bask in the glory of each fleeting moment of implied interest – is it real? I think so. He certainly never said thank you before.

As a woman, I see this. I smell it. I feel it and realize that it’s not so far behind me. He calls out from the kitchen because he knows there is an imbalance – this is one of the traits that makes him appealing – though never reliable. I can feel a small sense of delight in his acknowledgement of my potential discomfort. However, the men in my life now would never even put me in this position – they want me all to themselves. The woman in me remembers this and smiles because she knows she never has to take crumbs again.

The child in me sees red. She is raging and raw. She feels cheated and bamboozled - cast aside. She’s wise enough to know, thankfully, that fighting for him is not worth it. The girl in the kitchen wants him too much. She will fight for him – this is very clear.

The child feels left out and constricted in her throat. She tries to stay centered as her demons shoot at her soul like arrows to the target. She dodges them, tries to breathe and focus on other things – things that make her proud and powerful. It’s like being on a hamster wheel. She needs help. She needs a hand.

“I’m here baby. I got you.”

The woman is holding out her hand, letting her know in a soothing voice that “I am here to protect you. I am here.”

She looks up, the little girl does, but she’s not sure. Can she really trust this woman and why does she feel drawn to the pain of staying in the kitchen? Why does she feel somehow in familiar presence, standing on the side with knots in her stomach and pain in her heart?

I have no desire to compete. I can smell the competition on her breath. I’m a pro at reading competitive spirit. He knows it too. The potential burning in the corner of the room. I stand in my woman. The stronger I stand in the energy of the woman, the stronger I appear. But the best part is that it’s not just appearance, it’s truth. And the truth speaks louder than anything else – always.

I notice he goes to the technology when he gets uncomfortable. He can’t keep up with her energy. Ten minutes ago, it was exciting and feeding his ego. Now, he’s envious of my “zone” – my detachment to the story.

The little girl would have engaged and fought hard to the death for crumbs of attention and glimpses of recognition. She would have played hard and fought dirty – if she had to. The woman is calm and quiet. She is steady. She is in charge. She watches silently as he puts on a video in the hopes that she will settle down and be distracted. Like the parent who raises their child in front of the TV. “At least she’s washing the dishes.” The little girl says. “Yes,” says the woman. “My manicure will last after all.”

He is starting to get slightly uncomfortable because he knows I’m not paying attention. He sees me at my computer, focused and removed. This is not usual behavior as I’ve been mostly attentive for the week. The balance is starting to restore. The best part is that I am removed. I am with me and it is fine.

I know who I am. I know who I am!! I am a woman who deserves the full attention of a man. I am worth it and it is nothing less than I would ever offer. I am an exciting and capable woman who is confident and not afraid to stand in that confidence no matter what is happening around her.

I am a woman who transcends her ego and allows higher energy to work its magic, because it is only in the higher self can we find the truth.

There is a silent battle between K and the threat she thinks me to be. I am no threat. I do not want him. I have passed through the need to receive only crumbs. I am only interested in abundance. I used to accept crumbs because that’s all I thought was out there – No, I think I’m done here.

1 comment:

Horvendile said...

Sometimes you get a very clear vision of how well you've re-wired yourself to get pleasure out of pain, or acceptance out of rejection, or closeness out of distance, or good energy out of bad. It's those moments of clarity that help you unplug that tangled, knotted extension cord, and replace it with a new cord and a better outlet. Congratulations.