Saturday, September 13, 2008

To efc: The first person to bring out the woman in me………..

A woman is strong. A woman does not offend easily. Instead of acting in defense, she grounds herself easily in her confidence and her power. A woman knows there is more than just herself in the world and she moves easily in that knowledge.

When there is stress, she breathes. When there is sadness, she cries. When there is anger, she is honest and direct, never ignoring the love and kindness that lives in her heart – for herself and others. When there is rejection, she wraps herself around the love she feels within. And if that doesn’t work, she wraps that same love around herself. She is never afraid to forgive herself no matter what the outcome is. When she feels unsure of herself, she connects to the light of love in her heart.
A woman holds steady and stays rooted in the faith and wisdom she has for herself.

A woman is not afraid to quietly command love and respect from others – it is merely just an extension of what she feels for herself. A woman does not live from her wounds, she lives from her heart.

Six months ago, I said good-bye to my best friend and dog, Rufus. For twelve years, he was a huge part of my life - my identity. Without him, I felt stripped down to nothing, - raw and empty. It was only when I realized there is space in the loss that I began to let go and take a look at myself as I am in the present moment. The notion of that space gave me the opportunity to see forward and reacquaint myself with the woman that’s been growing inside me. And it’s funny how that Universe works because sure enough, the flow of people began. And through relationship, I began to see reflection of that very woman. And, it felt good! It felt right.

And there are men. A few good ones, in fact. It’s shaping up to be an interesting journey – being involved with a man and keeping my head right. With Rufus, I could stand back from the fray of relationship if I wanted to. I didn’t have to engage. I already had love that didn’t waiver or disappoint. But that’s all different now. I’m different now.

It’s a new chapter and I see it and feel it. I’m tired of the angst and reflection of self-loathing that relationships have always brought me. I’m tired of approaching love as if I were walking through a minefield, holding my breath, waiting for the inevitable. I have thicker skin and it’s time I start coming from that space. If you don’t believe in yourself, you’ll never get out of that hole. If you think you suck, then you will spend the majority of your time, looking for confirmation of that very thing. Nothing penetrates that veil until you allow it to. And sometimes, all it takes is a slight shift and a flood of new perspective rushes in.

I spent so many years working on my self-esteem. First there was the revelation that I didn’t have any. Then, there was the blame. Next came ownership, the work, the awareness and finally, the application of the work, in real-time. That is where I stand currently – on the threshold between what was and what is. The doorway between the little girl and the woman.

Maybe I’ll see some of you on the other side.

With love, lgw.